Restaurant Review

Easier said than done to write interestingly about restaurants. The likes of Fay Maschler and AA Gill seem to do it effortlessly – often blending their comments on food, service, companions, décor, etc with essays on vaguely related subjects (Wagner, houseplants, prep schools, other diners, etc.).

The wife and I recently did ourselves proud at our local “star” restaurant (Michelin rosette, lots of good reviews – even in the national press, superb food, faultless service). There you are, a complete review in brackets, three adjectives and not a verb to be seen, except that I haven’t told you what we ate or even the name of the restaurant.

The Sunday Telegraph has a rather good restaurant reviewer called Lucy Bannell. In a recent piece (about a different restaurant) she described her companion as someone who goes in for competitive ordering (he likes to “win” each course). The wife and I seemed to have caught on to this game and for the past week we have been reminiscing about the meal and trying to recall the most memorable dishes. I think that I won on starters (honeyed roast suckling pig versus her scallops with cauliflower puree). The main courses however were more hotly contested: she rated her lamb as “brilliant”, whilst my hare cooked two ways (little fillet strips and in a pie) with root vegetables was absolutely terrific. I thought I was especially brave ordering the hare as my previous encounter with one of the blighters had cost me £200 for repairs to my car’s radiator grille, and I’m not hugely fond of eating rabbit. Next time I run a hare down, at least I’ll have a go at cooking it. Puddings were not contested as I had a selection of English cheeses and a glass of port. Extraordinary, really, how good English cheeses can be if they are well chosen and well served.
As for our fellow diners, I never noticed them. I didn’t pay much attention to the décor either. I think in future I’ll keep to ranting – rather than saying nice things about local eateries. I haven't even got round to giving the restaurant's name and address, and nor will I. It's quite difficult enough to get a table as it is.